Seven Months

Six Months (a little late)

More Like a Canteloupe

People have said they love my blog because I'm so open and honest. Well, I can't think of anything more open and honest than these pictures. I debated whether or not it was going to be too much, but this really happened and it was ugly and awful and a pain in the ass, but it was also a part of my fistful of daisies. They said the tumor was going to be the size of a lemon, that's what the ultrasound had shown anyway, but when they cut me open, the surgeon found a tumor that he said was "more like a cantaloupe." We were also expecting to walk out of the hospital with little or no breast, and now I'm home and recovering, and the good news is my perky, you'd never know I had five kids breast is healing well (how did they do it?!), and there's NO CANCER.

I'm hoping when I look back at these pictures years from now I'll remember that terrible, hard, and unfair things happen, like tumors the size of cantaloupes, but we can handle it, we're strong enough. I hope I also remember that really wonderful, brave and kind things happen too, like that gut feeling that led me to just the right surgeons, and friends who play with your babies and sing to them in their cribs when you can't. Life is both open wound and pinching, screaming pain in your side, and miracle and chocolate cake on the doorstep.

Another Monday

1AM Malcolm wakes up for a bottle, goes right back to bed
2-2:45AM Malcolm wakes up again, who knows why, I'm too old for this, I cuddle with him downstairs
5:30AM Malcolm wakes up, Good Morning!, we turn on the news and Mark yells "damn it" and heads downstairs to the futon

7AM Malcolm falls asleep

7:10AM I sneak in to the girls' bed to wake them up, their breath is terrible but they're so warm
7:20AM I find uniforms for the girls, help Ada with her tights, Charlotte with her belt

7:25AM I warm up left over sticky buns and make smoothies (pink one for Elle, green spinach for the rest of us)

7:28AM Decco wakes up, he smells so good but he's soaked through his pants

7:30AM Mark showers, changes diapers and quizzes the girls on their spelling words (it's Spelling Bee week)
7:45AM I do the girls' hair, bows and headbands

7:50AM We remind the girls to put on socks, shoes, grab their lunches from the fridge, etc.

7:55AM We remind the girls again to put on their socks, shoes, grab their lunches, etc.

8AM It's freezing outside, I put an extra layer on everyone, Mark warms up the car

8:05AM Malcolm is still asleep so Mark takes the girls to school, Ada yells "Love you! Best Mom ever!"She says this every morning, I love it

8:08AM Malcolm wakes up

8:10AM I feed Malcolm a bottle

8:15AM I weigh myself, I've gained 6 pounds since November, I vow to stop being an emotional eater
8:16AM I turn on Chuggington for Decco, I jump into a shower, Malcolm waits in his bouncy thing, he's playing with his feet
8:20AM I get dressed

8:22AM I pull my hair in a pony tail and brush my teeth, face lotion and that's it
8:24AM I pick up a fussy Malcolm and we watch Chuggington with Decco

8:30AM Marko gets back

8:35AM We drive Mark to work, are we the only family in America with one car?!
9:05AM Charlotte's teacher calls me, Charlotte doesn't feel well

9:10AM We jump in the van to pick up Charlotte before she throws up, Decco has a poop but I decide to change it later
9:11AM I call the lady I carpool with while I'm driving because it's my day, I switch her for Wednesday
9:20AM I jump out of the car and run in to check Charlotte out, I notice a backpack on the ground out at the playground, that's strange
9:22AM The office ladies make me go pick her up in her classroom, Charlotte's head is on her desk, she's white as a ghost and she doesn't have her backpack
9:25AM We return to the van and Malcolm is screaming his head off and Decco is whimpering, I run out to the playground and pick up Charlotte's missing purple backpack, I knew it looked familiar
9:30AM I call Mark to complain and he picks up as I yell "Shit" because Decco is now throwing up all over himself and the car, Mark wonders what he's supposed to do
9:31AM I drive like a crazy woman but of course get stopped at every light, I cuss some more
9:35 AM I pull Decco, his car seat and the entire seat out of the van, strip Decco of his soiled and stinking clothes, Malcolm is still screaming
9:37AM Decco picks an old goldfish cracker off of the driveway and eats it, I pick him up and carry him to the bathroom, take off his diaper, forget that he's pooped and it falls to the floor, awesome, more cussing
9:38AM I plop Decco in a warm bath and run outside to finally get Malcolm out of his seat, hoping the neighbors aren't watching
9:39AM I give Charlotte a barf bowl on the couch and feed Malcolm a bottle
9:45AM I get Decco out of the bath and wrap him in a blanket, he's shaking
9:46AM I turn on Toy Story 2 for the millionth time, no, million and one
9:50AM I drink my spinach shake that's been sitting on the counter, it's nice and warm
10:00AM I check my emails real fast, I get the word that financing has gone through for my surgery but I need to call and get estimates by that night
10:01-11:01AM I'm on the phone, mostly on hold and transferred all over the place, with both surgeons' offices, the anesthesiologist and the hospital, with Malcolm in my arms, and tending to the sick kids on the couch
11:15AM Marko calls after his class and promises to come home as soon as he can, sounds good, I'm playing cars with Decco
11:20AM Malcolm refuses a nap
11:48AM Eleanor calls, she placed first in her class spelling bee, yay! The word: commensurate
12 ish I grab a V8 and some Wheat Thins for lunch
12:15ish PM I feed Malcolm a bottle and he finally falls asleep
12:30ish PM Decco goes down for a nap
12:35PM I go outside and spray everything down with the hose, start a load of laundry
1PM I turn off Tom and Jerry and turn on Jillian's 30-day Shred, Charlotte laughs at me from the couch, Jillian obviously has never had five kids
1:18PM Malcolm starts screaming from his crib as I'm finishing my crunches, I can barely breath or move
2ish I call Mark and tell him I've got everything covered, stay and do what you got to do, babe
2:30ish Decco wakes up a happy boy, he eats a bowl of pretzels
2:46PM Eleanor calls in tears, she got a 4 out of 20 on her Math test, she thinks her Dad is going to kill her, he probably will
3:12PM I watch Ellen for five minutes while I feed Malcolm a bottle, some policeman who caught an arson
3:38PM Ada calls from swim practice, she placed first in her class spelling bee, too! The word: precious
4ish I pick up Mark from work, thank goodness. My good friend, Kim, calls us while we're in the car. I listen to Mark tease her. I love hearing her laugh all the way in North Carolina.
4:15ish We pull up and my friend Mary Ann has left dinner on the doorstep: Carrot-Ginger Soup with lemon cream, zucchini bread with homemade jam, wild rice salad with fresh cranberries and walnuts, I cry, I spoon it into my mouth as I tell Kim about my surgery and wish her a late Happy Birthday
4:30ish Mark goes to pick up the girls from swim team
4:34PM I call my sister-in-law who miscarried last week, and find out she was in the hospital last night with complications, poor thing, it's so hard to be a woman
4:55PM I set the table and warm up dinner
5:20ish I feed a very hungry Decco and sit down to dinner with the girls, yummy
6ish Mark sits down to do homework with Charlotte and Ada while I work on Math with Eleanor, Decco is watching Buzz again, Mark is listening to Morrissey
6:12PM I pass Malcolm to Ada to give to Mark because he's driving me crazy
6:15PM I Google how to find the circumference of a circle, I don't know how to do any of this
7ish We finally finish with Math, Eleanor is crying because I asked her how she doesn't know any of this, I'm tired
7:02PM The Orthodontist calls to remind us of a 12:15 appointment the next day to replace Eleanor's lost retainer, ugh
7:40PM Ada complains that her ear hurts, I give her a grown-up pill because she will not drink medicine for anything
8PM Malcolm falls asleep on Mark as he cleans up the kitchen, one down four to go
8:15-9PM I watch a cake show with Ada and Charlotte, we like the pink one, Decco is in my lap, I tickle his arms
8:30PM Decco asks for milk, we're out, Mark runs to the Creamery, best milk ever
9:15ish Decco goes to bed without a whimper, Bear and taggie in hand
9:18PM The girls fight over who's sleeping in what bed while I put out clothes for tomorrow and turn on the fan
9:30ish I start watching the Bachelor, so silly but just what I need
9:35PM Mark starts laundry, the first of three loads
10ish I turn off the Bachelor, Mark watches the LSU-Alabama game, I decide to write my first blog post in a long time
10:22PM I can hear Mark laughing from the other room, he's reading War and Peace for the fourth time, it's good to hear him laugh, I haven't read a book in a really long time
11:04PM I finally finish this and realize why I never blog anymore, I'm pooped and I'm thinking I know why we do it, just look at them, but how do we do it? Seriously, how do we manage it sometimes?!

Five Months

Four Months

Life Before My Eyes

Tuesday morning I went in to see what was going on with my breast, the same breast that has been giving me grief since 2005. It's become a problem, like a huge, 2-liter bottle hanging on my left side problem. A I'm embarrassed to go out in public problem and nothing fits me problem. Anyway, after a quick mammogram and ultrasound, I was rushed to Radiology for a core biopsy, and then quickly rushed across town to a surgeon. Things didn't look good. Everyone was looking at me with these eyes that said, "Poor thing, she's totally screwed." Within minutes of being with the surgeon, he told me the tumor had completely taken over my breast and we were talking about which type of breast cancer it probably was, chemo, radiation, mastectomies, etc. I tried to act tough, like he was talking about my toenails and not my lymph nodes, but by the time I left his office I was shaking, and when Mark met me on our driveway I totally broke. Once again, we were waiting for that daunting phone call of fate.
It came Thursday morning when I was in line at Target with apple juice and formula in my cart. I figured Target was as good a place as any. The nurse said something about the findings being consistent with a fibroadenom, which is what it's always been, a benign knot. No cancer. I gave Mark a thumb's up from across the cash register where he was walking a fussy Malcolm. Both of our knees and shoulders folded in relief. While I had been Googling carcinomas on the internet the last two days, and deciding I was probably a scarf and not a hat person, and would prefer a flap procedure rather than get a waterbed put in my chest, Mark had been worrying about the prospect of being a single father of five. They were heavy, sleepless days.
Anyway, we celebrated with chili rellenos and all the Halloween candy we wanted. I'm a lucky girl. I might still lose my breast, but it could've been worse. A lot worse.
I fear I've become cliche, but it's really true that when faced with something like this everything gets put in its proper place. I've been thinking of all the moments and opportunities I miss out on not because I'm dying of cancer but because I'm lazy, impatient or preoccupied. My two surprise baby boys don't seem like the mistakes to be resented or speed bumps they often do, rather the blessings they were always meant to be. My self-interested ambitions seem silly in comparison to getting down on the floor and playing monster truck with Declan, coloring with Charlotte, or letting Mark fall asleep on my arm like he likes to. My life may be unglamorous and unspectacular, but it's a life without cancer, a life of meaning, a life of simple pleasures like sipping Cokes on the swing in the last warmth of Fall. I'm grateful for the corrected perspective. I'm going to try my damnest to hold on to it, but even now, three days later, I can feel how easy it is to let it slip and slide away.