After my post "One Near Perfect Thing," where I laid one of my innermost conflicts at your feet, I was talking to an always wise and forward thinking friend who said, "I believe that whatever we do in this life really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if we're famous or particularly good at something or achieve something awesome...it doesn't make a lick of a difference what we physically accomplish in this life. Because when all is said and done everything that is around us, including our own bodies, will crumble and be worthless.This life is about experience and for one thing, to walk away with as many virtues tucked into your heart as possible, virtues that are part of you, that cannot be removed even by death.... I really, a little bit kind of believe that what we create with our minds, has fruition elsewhere...it is noble to want to do great things, and frankly it won't happen to most of us and half the time the people 'greatness' happens to are utter losers (Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Obama, Bush etc.) So what of our thoughts (which we will be judged on), what of all the potential we feel swarming within us, that has no outlet other than deeply trying to love and raise a child? We are INFINITE and ETERNAL beings, of course we are noble, of course the creations of our mind have ground, maybe even deep roots....just maybe it isn't here."
Anyway, what my incredible, enlightened friend understands and I have yet to fully realize and appreciate for myself, is the concept of "not here": heaven, the afterlife, eternity, call it what you will. I've been chewing on those words for over a month now, wrestling once again with my inadequate and troubling relationship with heaven. Yes, heaven.
(This is when you might want to check out your favorite food blog instead, may I recommend this one or this one, because if you continue reading, your opinion of me might never recover.)
I've always struggled with the idea of heaven, always. Yes, my husband knew this and still married me. It's a thorn in my soft, stretch-marked side. My eternal perspective is admittedly near-sighted, obscured most of the time by my lack of faith. It's not that I don't believe in heaven, I do, it's that the idea of heaven tossed delicately between Mormons is usually not enough of a carrot at the end of the stick for me. Or maybe, what it really is, is that I don't think I'll get there. That could be it. Again, I'm sure this is my problem, and not a problem with the actual principle. I mean, we don't really know much about heaven, do we? The scriptures speak of mansions and rest and glory, such generic, unapproachable terms, but also of eternal progression, which sounds like another way of saying a whole lot of work. Work? I'm already tired. Not to mention godhood and more children and etc. It's not that I want to be sedentary in my future life, but some lounging and chocolate would be nice, right?
And have you ever looked around at the people who are really trying to get to heaven and thought "I don't want to be surrounded by these overachievers forever?" The ones who are so earnest, bless them, they either bore you to tears or you can't help but roll your eyes, sigh and squirm in their presence? I don't want that forever. Maybe Mark Twain was right when he said, "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
I was reading Enos yesterday, and when he must soon go down to his grave, Enos says, "I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen."
Now there's someone who not only believes in heaven but has the faith that it is a place worth working and sacrificing and enduring for.
Unfortunately, my thinking has always fallen more in line with the Marxists and the atheists than the believers. And yes, I see that that's a problem, God forgive me, but I don't want to be bribed into living a certain way because of a promised reward, nor do I want to be scared into being good. It's not enough for me. I want to be motivated by something more.
So I guess what it is, is that heaven is not that important to me, except it is when things get hard and I need a light at the end of the tunnel, or when I feel like I don't have enough time, energy or earth life to do all the things I want to do. Then I really need heaven. I need heaven because I want the peace my friend has instead of the unnecessary now or never urgency I feel most of the time. Except are people going to need novels in heaven? Someone who can make a good chocolate cake? Shoot. Probably not.
Well, here's to faith, my faith, that seemingly out-of-reach confidence in the unseen mansions above.
Anyway, what my incredible, enlightened friend understands and I have yet to fully realize and appreciate for myself, is the concept of "not here": heaven, the afterlife, eternity, call it what you will. I've been chewing on those words for over a month now, wrestling once again with my inadequate and troubling relationship with heaven. Yes, heaven.
(This is when you might want to check out your favorite food blog instead, may I recommend this one or this one, because if you continue reading, your opinion of me might never recover.)
I've always struggled with the idea of heaven, always. Yes, my husband knew this and still married me. It's a thorn in my soft, stretch-marked side. My eternal perspective is admittedly near-sighted, obscured most of the time by my lack of faith. It's not that I don't believe in heaven, I do, it's that the idea of heaven tossed delicately between Mormons is usually not enough of a carrot at the end of the stick for me. Or maybe, what it really is, is that I don't think I'll get there. That could be it. Again, I'm sure this is my problem, and not a problem with the actual principle. I mean, we don't really know much about heaven, do we? The scriptures speak of mansions and rest and glory, such generic, unapproachable terms, but also of eternal progression, which sounds like another way of saying a whole lot of work. Work? I'm already tired. Not to mention godhood and more children and etc. It's not that I want to be sedentary in my future life, but some lounging and chocolate would be nice, right?
And have you ever looked around at the people who are really trying to get to heaven and thought "I don't want to be surrounded by these overachievers forever?" The ones who are so earnest, bless them, they either bore you to tears or you can't help but roll your eyes, sigh and squirm in their presence? I don't want that forever. Maybe Mark Twain was right when he said, "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
I was reading Enos yesterday, and when he must soon go down to his grave, Enos says, "I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father. Amen."
Now there's someone who not only believes in heaven but has the faith that it is a place worth working and sacrificing and enduring for.
Unfortunately, my thinking has always fallen more in line with the Marxists and the atheists than the believers. And yes, I see that that's a problem, God forgive me, but I don't want to be bribed into living a certain way because of a promised reward, nor do I want to be scared into being good. It's not enough for me. I want to be motivated by something more.
So I guess what it is, is that heaven is not that important to me, except it is when things get hard and I need a light at the end of the tunnel, or when I feel like I don't have enough time, energy or earth life to do all the things I want to do. Then I really need heaven. I need heaven because I want the peace my friend has instead of the unnecessary now or never urgency I feel most of the time. Except are people going to need novels in heaven? Someone who can make a good chocolate cake? Shoot. Probably not.
Well, here's to faith, my faith, that seemingly out-of-reach confidence in the unseen mansions above.
5 comments:
When I try to picture heaven, I can't see a place or grasp what I'll be doing (I'm with you on that "sounds like a lot of work" idea), but I always think of a few certain people who I equate with heaven since they're already there. Like, my grandpa who I adored and lost before I realized all the questions I still wanted to ask him, and my great grandma who I barely knew, and my cousin who I grew up with and lost suddenly when he was in college...
Quite frankly, when I think of heaven, I think of wanting to be surrounded by family, and friends like you. That's the reward I hope for, and I guess it'll be interesting to see how everything else pans out.
Your post was so thought provoking, so I've also been thinking...
Maybe this is really judgmental of me, but in my opinion, those typical "overachievers" often don't seem to see the need for relying on the Lord much, which I believe is kind of missing the boat entirely. Also, their lives tend to seem out of balance. When I think of heaven-like people, I think of those who are steady, consistent, and genuine, not extreme in any way.
I don't think it matters if we write a book and sell a million copies, but if the process of writing/creating a book is what brings us joy, then I think it does matter if we get to do that. I do hope for that season in my life when that time will come because like you said it is hard to imagine the need for novels in heaven. We are also so limited by our bodies that maybe there will be something even greater for us in that area there.
I happened to read "Faith--the Choice is Yours" by Richard Edgley hours before coming upon your post. I find it comforting that even this leader admits things that still boggle him. I think we all have varying degrees of faith in different areas. One person's weakness is another's strength. I'm glad God gave us each other to work through this life!
just tonight as i was putting milla to bed she brought up this same concern (that is constantly plaguing her), "mom, what are we going to DO in heaven?"
and all i could tell her was "mims, let's not worry so much about what we're going to do there, as what we're going to do here to get there."
she, and i and i'm sure many of us share the same fears, there's no doubt about it. the ideas we have to go on about the afterlife are utterly incomprehensible to our mortal minds. i try not to think about it, but like i told milla, and like your friend said, worry more about weaving those virtues into my heart. because that is something that i not only understand a little better, but is also something that gives tangible rewards all along the way in this life.
if this life isn't for learning faith, i don't know what it's for.
Ann,
I'm absolutely positive that there will be chocolate cake in heaven. That's one of my main reasons for wanting to go there. And the people of course. I'm sure there will be nice people there.
this post is a gem.
i'm glad to have stumbled upon it tonight. this has been on my mind, but more in the form of questioning existence. somedays i wonder why i keep trying. i wonder what motivates goodness. if it matters at all.
i'm of the belief that this life isn't so much about acquiring attributes or even virtues. i believe it's already inside of us. and our job here is to chip away the excess...like a sculpture with a piece of marble that contains a perfect spirit. we set it free. we set ourselves free. and each experience we have is an opportunity to reveal more of what's on the inside.
anyways...just a thought.
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