(just a picture that makes me happy) So, I have this friend who has a problem and I was hoping maybe you could help. I don't know what to tell her, you see, and she's at her wit's end. She has this daughter...or son rather, who she can't stand. It's not a recent phenomenon, nor a temporary disorder of moods or tastes, but something a long time coming and going. She can't even make it through breakfast without wanting to kick her--oops-- him, to the curb. Every minute spent with this child is a challenge, it's unpleasant, it's work. I know, some of you are horrified at the mere thought of a mother not liking one of her own, but it happens. Doesn't it? (O, please say it does.) It's a terrible thing. You give birth to these souls, and you hold their sweet little bodies in your eager arms, and at the time, you can't imagine such a thing as not wanting to be near them. So what's a mother to do when her and her own repel each other like the wrong side of magnets? And what's more, what if some of the antagonism is warranted? What if the child is a real, legitimate pain in the ass and might be forever? How does a mother muster the patience, the love, the humility to hug when she doesn't want to hug, the faith to believe that this child can pull out of it?
It's a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching thing, or so I'm told.
6 comments:
This is the very fear that keeps me from leaping joyfully into the kingdom of motherhood, Ann o' mine. It is the fear that stays me upon the shores of coupledom, never to sai lto familydom.
For a mother must not only love her child, but like them, if the journey is to be a deep, satiating sort. And liking someone ... oh, that is difficult indeed. The Other must be a kindred spirit, and those are rare. In what contract is it written by the gods that children will be kindred spirits to their parents?
To a certain type of child, I think I would be a wonderful, sympathetic, darling mother. But otherwise ... I see myself disdaining and closing off. And who can hurt a tender little pysche like that?
So I wait, to see if some capacity for love blooms.
Obviously, this is no sound advice. But I hope that it will make your friend feel she is not alone, that even the childfree can imagine in sympathy.
I think your friend is awesome. I think the beauty of that journey will be catching brief (maybe fleeting) glimpses of who her daughter (I mean son) really is even if he's hard for the rest of his life. She will probably not take anything for granted and be able to celebrate even the smallest victories which will bring joy to her heart. I admire your friend so much!
there is one thing about motherhood (/parenthood) that is a two-edged sword-- the fact that nothing lasts forever.
everything is a stage. this too shall pass!
I think it sounds like both that Mother and Son are human beings, which in and of itself can really stink at times.
Female baboons eat their young. Sometimes. But when they do, they don't feel bad about it. Sometimes, they even feel a little relief. And full.
-Bryce
I know a "friend" who has a son about whom she has some of the same sentiments. :) I (I mean she) just tries to take it one day at a time and find things about that child to praise and love. I (I mean she) has also found that it helps a lot to spend 10-15 minutes a day alone with that child either reading a book or doing some activity so that child feels loved (That child seems to intuitively realize that I (I mean she) get more annoyed with him than the others). The child seems to be a lot less annoying when he has had some quality mom time. And the last bit of advice from my "friend" is pray -- a lot :). I have found that loving my difficult and spirited child is a gift rather than a given :). Lots 'o love to you and your brood!!!
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