Difficult and Doable, I Think

ann,
the main question is how are you??? is it super hard but doable, or is it just difficult at every moment? please tell me you are doing okay. . .
love, jen

Dear Jen,
I'm trying not to jump to any definitive my-life-is-over conclusions because I realize it's still early--baby Malcolm is not even 3-months-old--and let's be real, I'm totally fried from lack of sleep. Difficult at every moment? Unfortunately, you're not that far off. I will say this: whoever said that after three children it's all the same is totally delusional. Maybe they were sleep deprived when they made that ridiculous statement too because it's truly bonkers. Even one more child is that much more work, more noise, more clutter, more food, more socks to match, more money, more trips to the doctor, more crumbs under the table, more worry, more crazy. There's just no breathing room. Mark and I are working 24/7 and things are still falling through the cracks.
I guess I'm still just coming to terms with all of this, and by all of this I mean five kids. It's still so unexpected. I feel like someone brought me a plate of food I didn't order and I'm still fighting with the waiter, when I just need to take it and enjoy it for what it is, even if it is something I'd never order myself, like bottled ranch dressing and shrimp. I hate shrimp.
Anyway, I'm trying to let this whole experience wash over me like a cool, gentle wave, because I do realize I'll never have exactly this again--a sweet, fragrant newborn in my arms surrounded by a bustling home of up and comers--but most of the time the wave washes me out and pulls me under.
The problem is that I have two very conflicting teams of thought and emotion playing inside of me at the same time, and it's that conflict that is causing an undertow to pull and threaten my weary, sinking body. I genuinely adore my boys, I do. There's something about mothers and sons, isn't there? And they've already brought so much laughter and love and learning into our home. But I also feel like they've ruined us and I resent what it's taking to do this and do this well. I admit, I still allow too many "what ifs" and "whys" and could've beens." Whether or not I have a good day depends on which side is winning.
So, that's how I'm doing, bad food and drowning analogies and all.
Thanks for asking. I need friends like you more than ever.
And please don't think less of me. It's not over yet.
Love,
Ann