Eleanor took this at Mark's request in an attempt to catch my open-mouth, sleeping- in-the-car face. I was on to them. Nowhere, Nevada I was raised in a home where you were never, ever supposed to show evidence of the struggle. There could be bloodshed and hell raging behind those closed doors, but once opened, smile and sunshine. The brother in rehab was away on vacation. The brother in jail had a new job back East. The imprisoned father was just away. The last-minute cancellation due to a fight was a stomach ache, a fever. Heaven forbid the outsiders ever knew our life wasn't perfect. It pretty much worked until my Dad ended up in jail for the second time, followed quickly by prison and divorce, then the show was over. To this day, my Mom calls this her "Grand Hostess" approach to coping with life's inconveniences. We all have our ways, I guess, and now that I'm older, I can even sympathize with her. Some of that is respectable--not wanting to be a burden, self-sufficiency--but isn't it its own form of vanity, like the emotional equivalent of not letting yourself go grey? I don't know....
But it's exhausting, isn't it? Trying to hide how hard it is sometimes to simply live? Trying to hide the frustration, the disappointment, the pain, the stress from each other? Who are we fooling? Am I fooling you? I'll admit, even though I know better, even though I know we all have our "things" that drag us down and pull us apart, most of the time you have me fooled. You play "fine" very well.
Isn't that why we relish those moments when we see the inevitable cracks in each other's tight, polished facade? It's a relief to see that others break sometimes too. A mother losing her cool at a tantrumming toddler. A couple fighting in their car. A cuss word slipping out under some one's breath. Red, puffy eyes. Sometimes seeing each others' pain feels so good. It's not that I want you to hurt too, I just don't want to be the only one.
Especially in this blog world. Have you noticed that people never blog when they're sad or mad? That's too bad, really, because the couple of times I've been in the dumps and been honest about it, you've lifted me up. When I complained about living in Provo, someone told me to "Bloom Where You're Planted" and it's stuck ever since. When I complained about a child that was giving me nothing but grief, I was given hope from an older and wiser, been there, done that mother. When I complained about being poor, somehow you were able to help me count my blessings and I got over it.
So, when life gets hard, when you look around and everyone else seems to be having a good time but you, when you're so exhausted you just want to sit down and let life walk right over you, how do you mentally and emotionally pull out of the nosedive of self pity? The easy conclusion of bitterness? How do you cope?
But it's exhausting, isn't it? Trying to hide how hard it is sometimes to simply live? Trying to hide the frustration, the disappointment, the pain, the stress from each other? Who are we fooling? Am I fooling you? I'll admit, even though I know better, even though I know we all have our "things" that drag us down and pull us apart, most of the time you have me fooled. You play "fine" very well.
Isn't that why we relish those moments when we see the inevitable cracks in each other's tight, polished facade? It's a relief to see that others break sometimes too. A mother losing her cool at a tantrumming toddler. A couple fighting in their car. A cuss word slipping out under some one's breath. Red, puffy eyes. Sometimes seeing each others' pain feels so good. It's not that I want you to hurt too, I just don't want to be the only one.
Especially in this blog world. Have you noticed that people never blog when they're sad or mad? That's too bad, really, because the couple of times I've been in the dumps and been honest about it, you've lifted me up. When I complained about living in Provo, someone told me to "Bloom Where You're Planted" and it's stuck ever since. When I complained about a child that was giving me nothing but grief, I was given hope from an older and wiser, been there, done that mother. When I complained about being poor, somehow you were able to help me count my blessings and I got over it.
So, when life gets hard, when you look around and everyone else seems to be having a good time but you, when you're so exhausted you just want to sit down and let life walk right over you, how do you mentally and emotionally pull out of the nosedive of self pity? The easy conclusion of bitterness? How do you cope?
Some of the things I've learned about myself and coping:
Playing the glad game usually just makes things worse, because I wonder why I can't just be content with what I have.
Comparing myself to people who have it worse just makes me sad.
Usually I can't even put my finger on what's bothering me.
Getting down on my knees to pray is nearly impossible.
Chocolate cake only ever goes to my hips, but it's still the first thing I turn to.
10 comments:
This is beautiful. And true. And we must be related because a lot of that sounds so very familiar.
I do try to play "fine" most of the time even though sometimes I feel like crap. My coping is to ignore the problem and hope it goes away, or to just sleep it away. Your right about blogging, I don't read or blog enough about sorrow. For me it feels too personal for the WWW. Thanks for making me think.
oh ann. you're such a great writer and i love your honesty. you're such a beautiful and creative and gifted and sincere person (i wish i lived next door to you!)
you're so very very right about the blogging world. and i am one of those people that never posts about the bad things. i have had this conversation with several people lately and i just tell them i don't want to spread negativity, i guess. plus, like janell said, on a public blog i don't feel like i want to bear my soul.
but i also am just like you in watching others struggle. "hooray! i'm not the only one!" the first time i heard my brother having a spat with his wife i was ecstatic. there's just something to knowing that you are not the only one vulnerable, struggling, falling on your face. . . and we all do!
hang in there, my tired friend. you have reserves of strength yet unused.
Oh the Williams way :) I love you Ann, even this blog made me smile, because you can be so honest!
Ann I really loved this post. So honest. So true. Thank you! If only we all had your courage.
When I lived in Spain for a few months, I was very frustrated by everyone always being late...until I started noticing why. People were talking to people, really talking to people and that was why. They cared more about people than their schedules. Once I finally started embracing this and then returned to the good Ol' USA, it felt like a slap in the face to have someone ask, "How are you?" as they kept on walking by. It seemed all I could say was "fine," whether or not it was true. So, maybe we're kind of trained that way.
The other day, I was frustrated that someone was trying to act just fine even though I knew she was not. Weren't we friends? Oh, but then I realized I'd done the same thing to someone else just the day before.
Why would I rather lie to her face than tell her the truth? Maybe because I didn't want to be a complainer or a burden, or it's just not culturally acceptable to tell people how you're really feeling.
After a day of really feeling like I wanted to throw in the towel, the last thing I felt like doing was opening my scriptures, but made myself do it anyway. I was glad I did because the Lord wanted to let me know that he knew.
"I am not able to bear all this...alone, because it is too heavy for me" (Numbers 11:14). In the next vs. the Lord counsels Moses to gather the 70 to help him.
So, whether we're a Spaniard or American today, or a leader who lived thousands of years ago in Egypt, we all feel exhausted at times, and we all need each other, don't we?
This is wisdom--total wisdom.
I am going to blog the butt out of my next bad day...BRING IT!!
i've read this over twenty times over the past few days anne...thank you. thank you so much.
I have a dear family member that is being dragged through some major crap right now, but she doesn't know that I know and all I want to do is grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and tell her that she doesn't need to put on a face that everything is just fine. Instead, I just hug her a little longer when I see her and try to figure out how to just be there...
Why do we do this?!? I'm so glad you talk about it, because that is truly the most cathartic way of dealing with anything. Thank you for being so perfectly real and always you, Ann. I love you, dear friend. I'm always up for a GNO if you need a night of rejuvenating!
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